The Daily Shallot Reports:

TRUMP LAUNCHES AMERICA’S NEWEST FRAT: ALPHA SIGMA MAGA IN WHITE HOUSE

WASHINGTON D.C.—This Wednesday, the press gathered at the doors of the White House while United States President Donald Trump, alongside press secretary Karoline Leavitt, announced America’s newest and greatest fraternity: what they dubbed the ‘Alpha Sigma MAGA’.

“Obama knew it. Biden knew it. The White House was boring,” stated the president before a crowd of news reporters, “but now I’m making it greater again. It’s going to be absolutely terrific, everyone’s saying it, nobody’s done this before. People, we’re building something historic here.” 

Certainly, noticeable changes have already been established in the grounds of the President’s residence. Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis’ treasured rose garden has been revamped into a 9-hole mini golf course, with luxuries such as golf cart girl services and high-end locker rooms included. The leather seat behind the President’s desk in the Oval Office has been switched out for a 20-karat gold cushioned throne.

Additionally, a new ballroom is in the process of being built to accommodate the large frat parties that take place weekly at the White House. These are expensive constructions and, as Leavitt claimed, “are not funded by taxpayers.” This information remains to be verified. 

Requirements for entering the frat are unclear, as no terms of initiation have been released by officials as of this date. However, files were recently recovered from the president’s desk (after being reported missing and/or "they never existed…”), containing what seems to be his handwritten overview of fraternity members, guidelines, and rituals. These files state that Alpha Sigma MAGA has an honored list of values, one of which is diversity. 

When asked about this, President Trump — or who now simply goes by his fraternity nickname “DJ” —  responded, “It’s true. We take everybody, even rural hillbillies like JD. You just have to be the right kind of diverse. Of course, we want very smart, very rich people, you know, people that look like they belong right on the putting green.”

Like all fraternities, Alpha Sigma MAGA has a pledging process, one that requires a strict amount of personal paperwork. Only brothers with a visa or citizenship will be promptly accepted into the subsequent stage of pledging. Those without proper certification are sent to wait in the ‘bouncer line’ for months to years. 

However, for those unwilling to wait, cease your worries! It is rumored that the White House has begun offering expedited membership passes, otherwise known as the Trump Gold Card, for a hefty fee of $ 5 million. Members of the Trump Gold Card have special access to the fraternity’s VIP rooms, although the services these rooms provide have not been disclosed to the public since 2005.

All brothers entering the White House must bear a red tie and suit. Zelensky’s failure to comply with this dress code sparked outrage in February. “Who does he think he is? Churchill?” Trump sneered between a round of beer pong with fellow Israeli frat brother, Benji Netanyahu. The game ended in a victory for the president, and, true to the terms of their bet, Benji promptly awarded “DJ” the Nobel Peace Prize.

Trump’s large-scale frat parties often include a wide range of attendees. Leavitt herself, Erika Kirk, and Amy Coney Barrett, members of sororities partnered with the Alpha Sigma MAGA, are among those often sighted at these parties. Trump has stated that these gatherings are professional and “all about business”, yet recently, packets of cocaine were discovered in several wings of the White House. Trump has not commented on this incident.

Occasionally, invites are extended to international fraternities, such as North Korean frat brother Kim(bo) Jong Un, though he has yet to accept an invitation. At the same time, Trump enjoys taking trips to visit international fraternities himself. Just early this month, he made a trip to Alaska to hang out with “Big Vlad”, Russian president Vladimir Putin, in a conference where they discussed the relationship and bond between the two fraternities.

Conversely, Trump has refused to invite countries such as China, Iran, and Mexico. 

While Trump has publicly encouraged his frat brothers to attend weekly Church services, he rarely attends Sunday worship himself. When questioned about his absence, Trump asserted that he gets fantastic private religious sessions with religious counselor Paula White-Cain.

Trump has also banned members with know-it-all children from entering the fraternity, allegedly after the appearance of Elon Musk’s son R2-D2 in the Oval Office, declaring that children were too distracting in a serious place like the White House. 

“We can’t have little kids running all over with their fingers up their nose while we’re making big decisions.” He continued, “This is the future of our country here; we need real adults handling the heavy stuff.”

It seems like Trump’s golf cart girls remain an exception to this rule.

Inquiries about Alpha Sigma MAGA’s alleged nefarious hazing rituals have been repeatedly dismissed by Leavitt and Trump, who both ignored and refused to answer the questions.

Instead, Leavitt urged Americans to donate to a fundraising effort. She provided guidance on how to support the fraternity’s efforts to promote the inclusion of Incels.

“We understand that these poor men are suffering from years of social exclusion and emotional neglect,” she says, “They are being overlooked by a generation of overly ambitious and career-driven women who no longer appreciate traditional masculinity. We hope to offer a sanctuary for these men.”

For details on pledging, Leavitt directed those interested to seek out additional information on Truth Social.