‘emotions i can’t speak of directly, so i describe’

‘_____’ is instantly feeling my temperature rise.

is trying to swallow scalding words i don’t really mean 

but kind of do till my throat is chafed 

is poking my fingernails into my fingertips, trying 

to feel the sharpness of pinches through callouses

is assessing the damage with closed eyes

is curling and uncurling feet in too-tight shoes, 

compression squeezing out pockets of air between the toes 

is watching a saucepan filled with milk boil and bubble 

over and over and over till there’s nothing left inside

is not doing anything about the singed stovetop

is not doing anything even when my nose drips irritated with the smell 

of burnt potential sticky snot trail down philtrum into valley of mouth

is showering after swimming and tasting chlorine in everything 

is pulling out black threads of a funeral dress 

and burying them in a box behind the shed

is the weather forecast predicting a humid evening but it being an unusually windy evening 

and putting the box in the dustbin 

is deleting whatsapp and instagram and twitter 

and being on do-not-disturb for seven and a half months 

is watching dreams become better than reality

is watching dreams and reality become indecipherable

is not turning on the upstairs hallway light at night

 because what difference does it make 

is the baby bird that plucked and plucked and plucked its own feathers in search of a rational excuse to cry about the cold 

                                                                                                                                         'advertisement’ 

my body is a house for rent

right at the end of the high street

it has been on the market for a while now, no more lodgers allowed

enter only if you can give me the deposit and only if 

you have a good track record for references. 

i said please no intruders

the front porch needs a good tending to every once in a while

the bright red garden door is broken and doesn’t lock at all,

but don’t worry, it’ll be boarded up soon

all the ground floor windows are gated shut. 

I mowed the lawn across my thighs

enter. living room is to your left,

kitchen to your right. you can see the hallway is curved slightly, it adds character

ashy-brown wallpaper peeling like potato skins. can be changed upon request. draught coming in?

give the radiator a kick and it’ll get working in no time

i poured vinegar onto my scalp, rid my hair of the smell of damp

up the stairs, the floorboards are quite creaky

one bedroom, double bed

the headboard is drilled into the wall

fully furnished, a white duvet, two white pillows, small ikea lamp on the desk. the oak closet doesn’t shut,

put something heavy in front of it maybe.

my hallway light never turned on anymore

bathroom floor is turquoise-tiled, matches the wall tiles and sink. blue bathtub is not in use because there’s a nail-sized hole in the corner that leaks. a shower will work just fine

sink tap’s a little spluttery, give it 30 seconds or so.

windowsill above sink overlooks the main road, it’s loud at night   

my mouth tasted like fairy, my spit looked like soap suds

this is the end of the tour. yes, can provide fixings. 

we don’t do long term rentals. maximum 2 months

thank you for your time

if you know anyone else who’d be interested, please let me know

walk around me, into me, through me,

you may not always like what you see

                                                                                              ‘everything i feel has been felt before’

heavy head           tight chest            high temperature           think    I    should    undress

I raise my shaky right hand                                                     and place it above my left breast

trying to find the thump of my heartbeat. I test

the rhythm 

and find it is                                                                              not constant

slow, 

then fast

                                                                                                  very slow.

my mind tries to mold the beat into something i know.         how long will this last?

deep breath in.  catch.  five seconds.  hold.  six seconds.  release.  seven seconds.

ti m e  beco me  s                mu dd led             in  m y head,             i   tr…y       agai  n

deep breath in. hold. hold. ho-hold…. i must let this feeling unfold. my ears

pop! RING! snap! 

remove my hand and c-r-a-c-k my knuc-kles

one. 2. three.       four fingers. thumb. my vision begins to blur, 

the numbers become 1.                                                            how long will this last?

deep breath in. stop. look for five objects that are the same color. what color do I choose? 

red. no.      too angry. too familiar. too much like the blood that I am 

trying to make my body p-u-m-p within itself.                                      look at the shelf?

brown. my brows furrow, muscles from the frown carved into my head begin to tense. i am trying to make sense of my surroundings.                                  how long will this last?

yellow. post-it note. notebook. ikea candle. I'm running out of items, I can’t see the color. 

                                                                                           try a shade instead? 

pale blue? yes! i can see my left shoe out of the corner of my right eye. water bottle. pillow case. hair tie. clock face.                                                 need more?

deep breath in.         pause.       s m e l l. 

lavender oil helps, so they tell.                            it does. a lot. 

I dab some on my left wrist                           rub it against the right

inhale. my   bo                 bod                  body likes this       

I begin to calm

run my right index finger against the palm of my left hand. 

legs feel less heavy. i want to stand

make the journey    from my desk chair  to my bed.                           

deep breath in.  catch.  five seconds.  hold.  six seconds.  release.  seven seconds.

raise my head from the desk table and see white

then everything melts into color