One time, two times, hundred and thousand times you have stabbed me as if it was a shark

piercing it’s sharp teeth against my skin, ripping and tearing off every ounce of my body till I

became nothing but bones remaining in the lost ocean. Nowhere to be found yet nowhere to be

heard.

That’s how I felt.

Every moment with you was ecstatic. It was as if I gulped a colossal amount of every drug on

the shelf that magically boosted my emotions to feel nothing but joy and freedom, so whenever

you left, I felt hopeless...

See, you fooled me, you tricked me and I despise you for this trickery. You came into my life and

loved me in impossible ways that made me feel whole in some way but this was not your fault,

this was also mine. I was horrible, I was possessive like a lion trying to trap his prey, waiting for

the right time to rip its prey's flesh into pieces. I was verbally abusive, my mouth was a gun,

shooting and damaging every part of your body especially your heart. I am ashamed for what I

did, I hope you are too.

I hope you are ashamed for the lies you’d feed me, how your beautiful and elegant lips would

surprisingly have the power to enchant such dark energies to manipulate the mind to believe

that there is something insane about how I feel. How those hands would once make me feel

safe but slowly transform into hands of a killer, painting and marking every part of my body with

a bruise or a cut. How you amazingly hid things from me, being unfaithful and then leaving me

for someone else. How you’d laugh at me with your friends, disregarding how I felt and initiating

my worth to you and how your last words about me was ‘I know my wrong was abusing her but

how can you not abuse someone like that’.

I do not mean to boost your ego, for what I know of you, you must be thinking I am still

obsessed and to correct you, I am no longer obsessed with an individual who could not have the

decency to acknowledge responsibilities for their actions like I did. I did love you, oh how much I

loved you, I loved you so much that I finally understood why my mother can never leave my

abusive father because lovers such as this lovebomb and leave people so codependent that the

belief of being alone is impossible but I appreciate your presence in my life. I appreciate you for

leaving me.

Without you, I would not acknowledge the toxicity I hold within myself, the toxicity that was a

product from parents and manifested in the relationship that we had. Without you, I would not

have grown to who I have become now; although I have my flaws, I am not the same girl I was 6

months ago. I am now a different woman, who strives to only become better. Without you, I

wouldn’t be so psychologically aware of such things. Without you, I feel like I would have slowly

become the spitting image of my father and this is not who I want to be. When it comes to the

addiction of drugs, humans run to them as it increases levels of hormones like serotonin,

dopamine and much more. It releases an incredible feeling that we all crave, so we chase this

manipulating and malicious entity with all the drugs that are available to us. Hoping we could

feel that enjoyment again but it's no longer there and now you have been trapped and sunk into

the addiction of wanting more and more till you lose yourself. You were my drug, I chased you

and I sunked.

I sunked so deep into the ocean, I lost myself so heavily while you swam away to whatever

benefited you, to whoever is now ‘fresh’ and to whoever is best for you. There you go and here I

am, so injured and broken twice as more than family ever did to me.

I mended myself, I healed myself and although you left one of the biggest scars on my shattered

heart, I wear it proudly to remind myself how strong I am. I’ve learnt that lessons are not only

taught in schools but lessons are also taught through life experiences for you to grow. This was

one of the biggest lessons of my life that I now have gained the power to control and

acknowledge that my worth was so much more than someone who did not recognize my worth

enough to just do the bare minimum.

- Zafrin