In God We Trust
Purple House Press Secretary News Briefings, June 13, 3022
Greetings sea urchins and all spiky creatures!
Today, I stand before this great empire to give this important message on behalf of our wonderful, recently elected President Sir Donald Petroleum. The cruelty of the sea otters once depleted our numbers, but this joyful day has finally come. Today, we celebrate the deaths of our predators only one year into our tenure here. We have long waited for this day, a day where all sea urchins far and wide are finally free and sitting firmly on the top of our food chain. From now on, parents no longer need to worry about their children’s safety; they will no longer be snatched away from home by these furry freaks, their innocent lives stolen far too early.
And as if this weren’t exciting enough, President Donald Petroleum has worked very hard to pray and serve our God! His administration rightfully claims, and may I say logically too, that if we had done anything wrong, the heavens would have punished us. But dear decimators, we haven’t received anything short of praises from the Gods. This proves that the heavens have truly become our allies in the war, perpetrating mysterious diseases amongst the starfish, killing them off in numbers beyond our wildest dreams. As a result of heaven’s goodwill, they are almost gone. We didn’t even have to lay a finger on them! How truly apt to see that karma came to bite them in the back! God continues to carry us to glory and freedom.
Our President, wanting the best for our superior species, built a spiritual and diplomatic relationship with the Two Legs, the creatures who walk on two sticks with two long pipes at their sides and a hole that screeches. We show our gratitude to them - our saviors – who constantly spill substances into the ocean. It was thus far the most effective way of eradication. Thank you, oh so intelligent creatures, with your pure and good hearts. May your good deeds be rewarded by the heavens as well.
Now, dear urchins, we must learn from the intelligent land creatures in our efforts for further progress. From today onwards, we will work towards demolishing the kelp forest and continuing our conquest of expansion, capturing and overcoming everything that dares to step in front of us. We have already had great progress on the California coastlines, where we have fought so bravely against the bull kelp. Yes, there was a 90 percent reduction, but we can do more!
And know that we are not alone in this conquest. We still have the aid of Two Legs, whose intelligence has led them to warm the ocean, and if I say so myself, I no longer feel cold. With this powerful ally by our side, the President feels confident in winning this battle, as should the rest of us. May God and hope guide us to our final destination.
Purple House Press Secretary News Briefings, June 13, 3026
Greetings to all sea urchins!
Our dear Mr President has not failed us! And for that, we, the people, have elected him into office once again! His wonderful administration’s first term was a true triumph. They finally completed our mission, and once again, we mighty creatures have proved that we are the ones destined to shine. Only four years ago to this day, kelp forests existed, but what we once lacked in size, we made up for in unity and hope! Let me summarize all of the truly impressive accomplishments of Sir Donald Petroleum.
In the first year of this administration, we were exceedingly efficient at eliminating the forests. But of course, it is not war without challenge. We found other enemies waiting in the wings. They were as vicious as the sea lions, trying to terrorize and eradicate us! But there were many creatures that allied with the kelp, and even decided to live within it. So we united and pushed. Oh, our fearless President defeated those monsters despite their opposition.
As we demolished the kelp forests, we learned of the frailty and vulnerability of 800 inferior species who depended on them for survival. The red abalone stands out as a particularly significant example of a weak, fragile species, stupidly dependent on kelp. There were many times when we purple urchins were portrayed as villains for starving them to death. But we argue differently! If they were strong like us, then they would have survived. We are not God. We are not responsible for evolution. We simply benefit from both. Their fragility brought them to their fate, just how fate determined that we were the strongest of them all.
We have also won over the sky, oh Republicans of oil. Oh yes! Turns out the flaps in the sky also depended on the fish, but the fish depended on the kelp. The flappers’ incessant need to feed their young put a target on their backs. And we were not going to ignore that target when God has such an advantage in front of us blatantly. We shall and will listen to the callings of God and the Heavens. Fate dealt us a sweet hand again and we knew, indubitably, that the grace of God had touched us. For it is the fate of those who are weak to be decimated by the strong.
After all, we are chosen by God, and so in God we trust.
End of briefing – one year into their second term, there was no one left to pick up the podium and congratulate themselves.
Works Cited:
“California's Disappearing Kelp Forests and Why It Matters for You.” Sierra Club, June 26, 2021. https://www.sierraclub.org/pennsylvania/blog/2021/06/california-s-disappearing-kelp-forests-and-why-it-matters-for-you.
Edmond, Charlotte.“Here's How Eating Sea Urchins Could Help Save the Oceans' Dying Kelp Forests.” World Economic Forum. Accessed June 12, 2022. https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2020/02/sea-urchin-kelp-forest-climate-change-sushi/.
“Science Institute News: California's Disappearing Kelp Forests: What Scientists and Divers Can Do to Reverse This Trend.” CDFW. Accessed June 12, 2022. https://wildlife.ca.gov/Science-Institute/News/californias-disappearing-kelp-forests-what-scientists-and-divers-can-do-to-reverse-this-trend1.
“Urchins.” Reef Resilience. Accessed June 12, 2022. https://reefresilience.org/stressors/predator-outbreaks/urchins/#:~:text=They%20may%20be%20the%20result,outbreaks%20by%20increasing%20algal%20growth.
