Here at Apple, we love to innovate. That is why we are very excited to present a new line of products never seen before to you, our most loyal customers.

We would like to introduce four impressive new iPhones: the iPhone 14, iPhone 14 Plus, iPhone 14 Pro and 14 Pro Max, each with individually stunning designs that look exactly the same as last year’s models. They come in big and bigger at a 6.1” and 6.7” display, and in five gorgeous colours. We are even making new cases to hide the colour… again. Furthermore, we now have an always-on display. Samsung had this years ago, but now you can’t hide your messages. 

Now to the individual features within the products! The front screen cameras are much better than before, because we know that you, the future generation, are addicted to the internet. This will help make a better TikTok. We’ve also, finally, put 48MP on the back camera and it only took us a couple of years to do it! I know I said we love to innovate, but to be honest, we stopped innovating years ago. Where do you think face ID came from?! Not us! 

The iPhone 14 has a new and improved a15 bionic chip, which is the exact same chip as last year - but now you are paying more money for the same item. If you don’t want the same technology, there is another option. You can get the iPhone 14 Pro or the iPhone 14 Pro Max with the newest a16 bionic chip for only a couple hundred dollars more. What a bargain! 

Last year, we introduced cinematic mode even though almost none of you are a director. This year, we are improving this feature even though probably none of you will ever need to use it! We now also have action mode for you 6-year-olds trying to take a video or you trying to take a video while your friend drives terribly. This is why we invented crash detection and emergency SOS via satellite, by the way. If you ever get knocked out or find yourself stranded with no cellular data or wifi, you can now get help. But because we're Apple, you can only access this through a membership program. And you better renew after 2 years or you might be dead.

It costs $1099 for the iPhone 14 and $1399 for the iPhone Pro. We know that these phones are extremely overpriced, but we love money. No, we haven’t integrated the USB-C or given you a power brick, but not because we are becoming more eco-friendly. We don’t really care about that. We’ve done this for so long that even the EU will force us to use USB-C soon. 

Next off, I would like to introduce the brand new Macbook Pro laptop. It comes with a blazing speed because of its M1 Pro chip or the M1 Max chip. If you’re thinking: why didn’t they say it’s different from the M2 chip of previous models, then your suspicion would be warranted. We’re just trying to confuse you. 

As you probably know, there are some things that make Macbooks what they are. Our favorite: a limited space for ports. We’ve even stripped away the USB entry points (which still appear on all Windows-based computers). This means you will need to buy an adapter for another fifty bucks to play that video game you always wanted while charging your computer at the same time. Oh wait! I almost forgot. Macbooks suck at gaming! Some popular games don’t even come with a Macbook version. 

Our Macbooks will also randomly start to turn their fans on really loud and begin to overheat. And by the way - our chargers will randomly stop working, enabling us to watch you attempt to submit an assignment with five mins left before your computer dies. Speaking of battery life, the new Macbook Pro has 21 hours of battery, right? WRONG! Everytime we tell you that, but we lied. It clearly doesn’t! I still don’t know why you believe in that. And because we’re Apple, we’ve removed the touch bar even though it was really cool. Now, you get this totally awesome computer for $2499. Honestly, I don’t know why you still haven’t purchased a Windows’ based computer yet. Unlike our computers, theirs are actually worth it. Dell… etc? Ring a dell-bell?

Now, you're probably wondering: why should you buy our products, then, if they are so terrible? Because we have your absolute loyalty. We could slap anything with an Apple logo on it and you’d probably buy it. You are our loyal customers, and unless you want green bubbles and for everyone to discriminate against you, just get an iphone and a Macbook.



Thank you everybody, for making Apple rich.